Oh little onesies. The last phase of our time apart and we can’t catch a break. Now we are past the housing, past the flights being booked, past the visa and everything else. Now it is really – and not all in the romantic ways - really happening. The biggest transition and cultural change of your life and of our relationship. So much looms on the horizon: exciting, new, scary and maybe more than all, overwhelming. To me the last couple days have felt like floating, aware of all the future choices and changes and decisions but not able to act on anything.
What about the jamon, the new lab, the new job, the new black jeans on little onesie?
It's all going to be okay.
We aren't doing any of these things now (could be wearing the jeans tho), and when they happen, we will deal with it, like we always have. I also realized that there aren't any cheerleaders for you right now at home. I am cheering for you, and I am really proud to have you in my life. You've charged through your holiday with the passion only my little onesie has in her mountain goat genes. It's an incredibly hard transition and it will take time and have it's ups & downs, but it will all be okay.
Feeling scared is totally natural, it's easy to look for things that could go wrong. I'm doing these things too, mostly about you not liking America or the lab. But for me, that type of fear usually means I'm really excited and just want things to work out smooth. Usually they do, and it's never because I was worrying about it. It's because I gave it all I had when the moment came, and I know that's exactly what we are going to do.
That's the life we get to share together: one day, one little thing, one (for each of us) little onesies at a time.
I love you
Last night I had a dream that we were together, in hoomins4. There was sun reflecting out of the living room window and I could see the green smudges of hedges outside.
You had just gotten back.
This song (or one with similar feeling) was in the background
I came up behind you and wrapped one arm below your neck and the other around your waist.
I told you I had been waiting so long to do this again, and you agreed. It was so warm and comforting, like a sunshine-emotion sweatshirt. The best activewear.
When I woke up I felt cheated but content, knowing we are past the the hump and only downhill from here.
Lava, lava chuu chuu
Alright no poetry this time, just how I feel. It’s been two months since I’ve seen you and it's really hard. I want desperately - not a usual feeling for me - to be the one going on adventures with you, not someone else. We went from everyday together – travelling in Spain, doesn’t that feel like a long time ago? – to everyday apart and continents between us.
But, amidst my yearnings - :) - for you, there has been a constant. It has been there since the first night we spent together. After a year and a half of murky-at-best feelings about finding someone to spend my time with in Cambridge I met you at deer park. It was then, among the daffodils and bread and laughter, something pierced through that murky feeling. It was clear and true and easy to understand; be with her, keep her close, be near her warmth*. I've never felt it about someone before. It was like walking into hoomins2 once it was ours: it just felt right and there was no arguing with it.
That constant is still there, and it is still true. It's that intuition that makes this time apart bearable. The pains of insecurity and doubt bouncing around my head while I go through my repeated, daily routines are sharp, but they don't last. This feeling does. It’s the same feeling that lead me to Cambridge, to making bread, to CUBBC, to photography and to pursuing a career to (eventually) help others, and this deep-gut-beyond-thought feeling connects me to you. I don't question the feeling when it comes into my life, and I don't know where it's taking me, but that doesn't matter. It brings me peace, and when I can quiet the world for a moment, it brings me to you in some way I can't put into words. Obviously I would rather be with you, in the flesh, going on adventures with you and not hearing about them. But having this feeling - a intuitive chord that reassures and soothes - that's special and that's enough to be grateful for.
*Two nights ago, I started to write and got to this point, at which something powerful rushed through me, somewhere between a release of laughter and tears. It was an explosion that lasted a couple minutes and was the first real time i've cried since you left. When it was finished, what was left was relief, and a feeling, love.
-Hudson Dec. 1 2017
Together, with the tide - Nov 28th, 2017, Hudson
Against the grey shores of distance,
waves of small yearnings,
impossible to remedy, crash
and once more are pulled back,
against their will, and folded into the sea
In their absence, a trace
of foam and mud and rock,
the outline of a feeling;
Steeped in strokes of mustard yellow paste
and orange dahlias, blooming,
echoes a gentle reminder
That the ever changing tides
which once worked to move us apart
will, with the same motion
bring us together
To float, with the same uncertainty
Together, with the tide
When I miss you most,
I make myself a cup of tea,
and stay with a moment
The table wedged between windows,
leaves blowing in the trees across the street, above
the ballet studio where we saw no one dance
Warm colors waft the air into a soft focus that
is soothed by your presence, glowing